第23章 超越恐惧 Beyond Fear

佚名/Anonymous

When I was told last year that my 2-year-old son had an illness that threatened his life, I tried to strike a bargain with fate—I would do anything, I would trade my old life away, if only he would get better. We learned that our son would need months of treatment, maybe even a year, before we would know whether he would recover. My husband and I settled into a deadening routine; one night at the hospital, the next night at home to be with our daughter, then right back to the hospital. The days and nights were a blur of medical reports. Fear and despair engulfed me.

I watched the other mothers at the hospital. I saw the mother of the child with cystic fibrosis faithfully administer physical therapy, hearing the hollow thump-thump-thump as she pounded the child's chest. Her efforts inclued a mix of dedication, hope and pain. I ached for the mother whose infant twins both had cancer and who managed somehow to write thank-you notes to the nurses after the babies' many hospitalizations.

I worried that I could not live up to these mothers' heroism. They did what good mothers are supposed to do, what mothers of sick children have to do, and what I should do, too. But I did not feel selfless, the way those other mothers seemed to feel. I was ashamed to admit it, but mingled with my terror and grief. After the first three weeks, we realized we were only at the start of a marathon. The friends who knew me best started telling me I should go back to work. It would be good for you to get a break, they said. I resisted. Good mothers, I thought, do not abandon their sick children for work. Yet when my son's doctor told me he thought it would be fine, that he could e-mail his assessments, I tore myself away.

I could not work a normal schedule—far from it. But as the months of my son's treatment dragged on, he was able to stay out of the hospital for longer periods. My husband and I still took turns at the outpatient clinic or at the hospital. I was lucky that my family and my baby sitter could also relieve me so that my son was never alone.

There were still long stretches when I needed to drop everything to be with him. But to my surprise, I found that going to work when I could ease my sense of helplessness. I could be distracted: there were phone calls and deadlines and a rhythm to be swept into. I could be in control of something.

I felt guilty at first about the solace I took from work. I often wondered what the other mothers thought of me—taking my work clothes to the hospital, showering in the parents' stall after a long night in which we'd heard the cries of all our children.

Eventually, I realized that getting away was good not only for me but for my son and daughter. When my son first became sick, the doctors told me I had to be strong for him. I could not show fear. Somehow I also had to convey confidence to my daughter, to help her endure what had befallen us.

Although I feared that working might be selfish, I could see that it actually seemed reassuring to my children, a sign that we could, for moments at least, return to our routines. Working was a pledge that life could go on. It was a statement of hope.

Once again, as I had so often realized since I had become a mother, I understood how dangerous are the“shoulds”of motherhood, how destructive is society's insistence on one right way to be a good mother. Too many experts tell us that good mothers do not abandon their children to baby sitters. Good mothers prove their devotion by never leaving their children. Yet such rules ignore the truth that mothers are not all alike, that there are many ways to give children what they need and deserve. The rules tell mothers how to act without taking into account how mothers feel and how those feelings will affect their children.

If I had followed the rules, I would have succumbed to terror and failed my children. In the end, this ordeal eased my guilt about leaving my son's side at times. I realized that I, like many others who care for sick people, needed somewhere else to go once in a while to draw breath and find meaning before returning to the work of nursing. For me, my job was that place. For others, it might be someplace else.

My son is recovering now, but I am still too close to his illness to understand fully what lessons I can learn, what meaning I can wrest, from this experience. All I can say is that working when my child was so sick might look wrong from the outside, but on the inside, it helped keep me sane. I grew less intimidated by the other mothers. I allowed myself to see that I was no less dedicated. We were all caring for our children, each in our own way.

去年，当我得知两岁的儿子患了一种危及生命的疾病时，我努力跟命运抗争——只要他能好起来，我做什么都可以，甚至可以拿我的生命来做交换。我们得知儿子需要几个月，甚至是一年的治疗，才能确定他是否有康复的可能后，我和丈夫陷入了一种死气沉沉的固定生活模式中：第一天晚上待在医院，第二天晚上在家陪女儿，然后又待在医院。就这样日日夜夜被治疗报告包围着。恐惧和绝望简直要把我吞没了。

我观察过医院里的其他母亲。一个孩子患了囊性纤维变性，他母亲竭尽全力地协助他接受理疗，连续敲打孩子胸部，去听“砰砰”的声音。她的努力中饱含着奉献、希望和痛苦。还有一位很值得同情的母亲，她的一对双胞胎婴儿患了癌症，她却在孩子们多次治疗之后还能强忍着悲痛给护士们写感谢信。

我担心自己可能不会像这些母亲一样坚强。她们所做的正是一位称职的母亲该做的，也是子女患了病的母亲不得不做的，也是我应该做的。但我并没有像其他母亲那样无私奉献。我很惭愧地承认这一点，同时感到异常的恐惧和悲伤。三周过后，我们意识到这仅仅是一场马拉松赛的开始。那些最了解我的朋友们开始劝我找份工作。他们说，换个环境对我有好处。可我拒绝了。我认为好母亲不该丢下生病的孩子投身工作。给儿子治病的医生也劝我找份工作，说他可以发电子邮件向我传递治疗报告，我只好忍痛流泪离开了。

我无法正常开展工作——根本不可能。但儿子的治疗挨过了一个月又一个月，他可以在医院外面逗留较长时间了。我和丈夫仍轮流去门诊部和医院。幸运的是，我的家人和保姆也能为我们减轻负担，所以儿子一直有人陪着。

即使这样，我仍要抛开琐事陪在他身边。令我吃惊的是，投身工作能使我孤立无助的感觉减轻好多。它可以分散我的注意力，因为有很多电话要接听，很多紧急的和日常的工作要处理，此外我还能管理一些事情。

刚开始，从工作中获取安慰使我有种负罪感。我常想，别的母亲会怎么看我——我穿着职业装来医院，熬过漫长的一夜，听够孩子们的哭闹后，去家长的隔间里冲澡。

后来，我意识到我的离开对我和我的儿女都是有好处的。儿子刚生病时，医生就对我说，我必须为了儿子坚强起来，我不能表现出恐惧。我还得设法用信心感染我的女儿，帮助她承受降临在我们身上的遭遇。

我去工作或许有些自私，这一点我也担心过。但我知道，事实上，这从某种程度上打消了孩子的疑虑，这表明我们至少有回到正常生活轨道中去的可能。工作意味着生活仍在继续，工作也说明还有希望存在。

自从做了母亲后我不止一次意识到，做母亲“该做些什么”这样的想法有多危险，而社会所倡导的如何做一位好母亲的唯一标准又有多大的毁灭性。那么多的专家告诫我们，好母亲不该把孩子丢给保姆。好母亲的爱心就表现在从不把孩子独自撇下。可这些规则却都忽视了这样一个事实：并不是所有的母亲都一样，满足孩子需要的方式多种多样。这些规则根本没有考虑到身为母亲的感受，也没有顾及这种感受会对孩子产生怎样的影响。

如果我按这些规则行事，或许我已经屈从于恐惧之下，也会令我的孩子大失所望。这种严峻的考验最终使我因经常离开儿子而产生的那种内疚感减轻了许多。我意识到，我像其他照顾患者的人一样，也需要不时地去其他地方休息一下，找到生活的意义，而后再回去照顾病人。对于我来说，工作就是这样一个换气放松的地方。而对别人来说，或许是别的什么地方。

儿子在逐渐恢复中，但我仍很担心他的病情，以至于我不能充分总结出从这次经历中我所汲取的教训及得到的结论。我想说的只是在我孩子生病时我仍然在外工作，也许外人看来是不正常的。但换个角度来讲，这样做只会帮助我保持清醒的头脑。我不会再因其他母亲的所作所为而感到恐惧不安。我自己也看到我与其他母亲一样都甘于奉献。我们都很关心孩子，只是每个人的关心方式有所不同。

记忆填空

1.We____________that our son would need months of treatment,____________even a year, before we would know____________he would recover. My husband and I settled into a deadening routine; one night____________the hospital, the next night at home to be with our daughter, then right____________to the hospital.

2.It would be good for you to get a____________, they said. I resisted. Good mothers, I thought, do not abandon their____________children for work. Yet____________my son's doctor told me he____________it would be fine, that he could e-mail his assessments, I tore myself away.

佳句翻译

1.我担心自己可能不会像这些母亲一样坚强。

译___________________________________________________

2.令我吃惊的是，投身工作能使我孤立无助的感觉减轻好多。

译___________________________________________________

3.工作意味着生活仍在继续，工作也说明还有希望存在。

译___________________________________________________

短语应用

1.I worried that I could not live up to these mothers'heroism.

live up to：不辜负；做到；实践

造___________________________________________________

2.The rules tell mothers how to act without taking into account how mothers feel and how those feelings will affect their children.

take into account：考虑；重视；体谅

造___________________________________________________